The Little Black Dress Incident

Holy shit!

I am pathetic.

Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. Apathetic, too. What's wrong with me?

I look back at the excited first post and think, wow, another failed New Years resolution. You go, girl! Beat them blues!

Ugh.

FML.

Today I got news that tomorrow I'm going out for dinner with friends. Fun stuff. Well, it should be. Until the announcement came like a bomb.

"You need to wear a dress."

With these fat thighs?

I don't think so!

And yet I tried on my various little black dressed. Big mistake. FML predicament. I went to my room, locked the door, and unearthed two little black dresses only to discover that, badoum-chi! They don't fit. Dresses that hugged my hips and kissed my curves, to sound completely cheesy, had a hard time riding over my thighs, and couldn't go over my fat ass. Little black dress after little black dress 'till there was only the stretchy red dress to save me from embarassment.

Ugh. No amount of words could express my disgust at myself for not taking up the One Year diet I was so keen on, for not stopping before putting the donut down and just chomp-chom-a-chompin' away these past years. I went from a pretty skinny girl to a fat girl, an expert who can cover up any love handle or fat roll miscreant with a pair of jeans and some expert layering. Yet these things ride up, unexpectedly, showing more than I would please. I'm sick and tired of this self-deprecation, feelings of worthlessness that stem from being fat and spreading everywhere, ruining my entire life. Everytime I so much as look in the mirror I look away, because I can't stand to look at my face--never mind full length body mirrors. Ugh.

The Little Black Dress Incident has made me realize that things need change. Not in a week, not in a month. Today. TO-DAY. It's an unremarkable day--middle of the week, nothing special, but now it is. Because April 23rd, 2009, marks a change. I am going to lose this excess weight and get my life, my confidence, my body back. There's no erasing stretch marks but it's nothing that can't be covered by material, unlike fat. Taking back my body--my confidence--my life. It's what I want, what I need to do, starting today, the day of the Little Black Dress Incident and, more importantly, Day One of the Change.